Editor's Note: Borin Word Follis, this newspaper's publisher, editor and chief reporter, has announced her immediate retirement. Succumbing to the pressures of running a newspaper that was never notable for its financial success, embittered by local politics, and stung by complaints about her florid writing style--one reader last week asked the publisher if she suffered from adult attention deficit disorder (The Planet is not making this up!)--Ms. Follis will at last abandon her keyboard and spend her waning days bitching at the local government full-time about pedestrian rights. She plans to spend most of her hours at Trenton's central intersection punching the walk button and clocking the little white walky-man--four seconds at last test!--the rest on Highway 136 East shaking her cane menacingly at tractor-trailer trucks. Give her a wave as you zoom by and she'll either greet you with a friendly smile or throw a beer can at you, depending on her mood swings (remember that ADD!).
But not wishing to see her lifework obliterated, her beloved Planet leave its eccentric diurnal orbit, Ms. Follis has hired replacement reporter Aline Dresswell to take over. Ms. Dresswell (right) makes her debut here at The Planet by writing about the first comprehensive meeting of all Dade's ruling bodies, that mega-meeting that has been so long in the making and so eagerly awaited by the denizens of Dade.
Ms. Dresswell comes to The Planet from an internship at Vogue magazine followed by a year's professional writing at Elle.
Dade Ordinance A Quantum Leap for County
by Aline Dresswell
At the first joint meeting of Dade County’s ruling boards and commission on Thursday, the assembled officials passed a landmark ordinance sure to make sweeping changes in citizens’ daily lives and to have far-reaching effects that will resonate through generations to come.
Presenting the bill was Dade County Executive Chairman Red Tumley, in business casual tonight with his signature ball cap dressing down his quasi-formal look of long sleeves and tie sans jacket.
"Look how far we have come in Dade County," said Tumley, straightening his muted red faux-silk tie above the blue-patterned no-iron percale shirt. "This ordinance will bring us all together to live in peace and brotherhood throughout the ages."
"Amen," said District 3 Commissioner Gobby Rolf.
Commissioner Rolf had chosen for tonight's solemnities an open-neck blue shirt without tie, surmounted by a no-nonsense sport jacket in a polyester blend. "This should satisfy both those Dade citizens who want their property values protected by land-use ordinances and those who threaten us with lynching every time they hear the Z-word. "What do you think, Bralen?"
"I think the rest of you are dressed so much nicer than I am tonight that I'm going to hide what I'm wearing behind this newspaper," replied Bralen Adford, Dade's District 4 commissioner.
As for the Districts 1 and 2 Commissioners, respectively sporting a manly battleship-gray jacket over a no-nonsense red work shirt and a nicely-ironed sky-blue shirt, its rolled sleeves relieving the staid formality of ...
Aline? Wait a minute!
What's all this about what people are wearing? What's the significance of Red Tumley's "signature ball cap," for Pete's sake?
That's not what I meant! What I meant is that this is not an article about clothes. This is an article about the ordinance that will bring us all together to live in peace and brotherhood throughout the ages. So get back to it already!
Dade Ordinance A Quantum Leap for County
by Aline Dresswell
(continued)
The ordinance was months in the making, explained Rumley and crew, and involved input not only from the city and county but from the governing board of the Dade County Water Authority, or so-called "water board," and the county board of education.
"I present Dade County this plaque to commemorate this historic evening," said Dr. Hannah Jarris, superintendent of Dade schools and a leader in local fashion, tonight resplendent in a long, belted sweater in soft melon angora cunningly layered over an already layered look of lacy white mock-pinafore over slim black skirt. To finish her noir nether motif, Dr. Jarris wore opaque black tights over medium-heel black pumps.
"Historic indeed, said Trenton Mayor Alex Case, tonight rocking his trademark look of plaid shirt, khaki slacks and trendy, visible-from-Mars neon tennis shoes. "The school board may have had its problems with the other two taxing agencies--isn't it about time you started helping us a little with the library, Dr. J?-- but I think this ordinance will iron all that out."
All the local government bodies had contributed to the landmark ordinance, including IDA (the Industrial Development Authority) whose executive director's huge yellow work boots eclipsed even the mayor's tennies this evening as they seemed to swell and expand in hugeness and yellowness until they sucked all energy from the room and blotted out the sun; but it was Dade's legal eagle, County Attorney Robin Rogers...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I thought you were changing everybody's name so we won't get sued for propagating "fake news."
What I was doing was switching the first letters of the first and last names. What the heck am I supposed to do when they have alliterative initials?
So be a little flexible. Call him "Roger Robbins." He's got a law degree. He's the one most likely to sue us!
Anyway, what did I tell you about all this clothes stuff? Write about the news!
Dade Ordinance A Quantum Leap for County
by Aline Dresswell
(continued)
...but it was Dade's legal eagle, County Attorney Roger Robbins (right), who cobbled the wants, needs and demands of the individual civic, government and law enforcement agencies into one comprehensive policy that is widely expected to increase tourism, reduce crime by 92 percent and teen pregnancy by 97, promote safer driving, combat childhood obesity and obliterate the need for a county property tax.
Tonight sporting his timeless-classic professional look of crisply-ironed white shirt and statement-making medium-width tie in bold contrasting blue and gray stripes, Robbins explained that the property tax rescission was made possible by a suggestion from IDA's newest member, Stephan Owen. Owen, left, is pictured here in a playful red wool sweater vest over standard long-sleeved business shirt as he makes his debut on the economic development panel to which he recently ascended over objections from the Trenton City Commission.
That may seem pure sartorial whimsy to some, but more likely Owen's daring fashion choice was modeled after a similar outdoorsy I'm-a-lumberjack look--blue sweater-vest-over-complementary-yellow-and-blue patterned shirt--sported by Ug Dandyton at a recent IDA meeting. Dandyton, retiring this summer from the water company, will now chair IDA. With the confidence of 48 years as head of the utility, Dandyton was never afraid to step outside that white-shirt-black-jacket fashion rut that traps so many senior executives....
You know, Aline? I don't think I can stand one more minute of this.
Fahcryinoutloud, kid. We're like 600 words into this damn story and I still don't have a clue what it's about. All I know is what everyone was wearing. And I don't care about clothes!
Clearly.
And just what is that supposed to mean?
All right. All right! There is no need to get personal. So I'm occasionally guilty of the "Uncle Milroy" look. So what? Nobody dresses up to work in the garden!
How's about now? You like to hide behind those dorky planetary rings but I can see what you really look like. Black T-shirt worn so thin I can see your skin through it, probably because it's the only one loose enough to go around you these days; "skinny" jeans in a size 18--how's that for an oxymoron?--and as I live and breathe, is that a bungee cord you're wearing for a belt? Must be a size XL, made to strap armoires to the tops of people's cars.
I am a strong, independent professional woman. A woman of parts. I am not defined by what I wear.
A woman of spare parts, maybe. Everything you've got on looks like it came out of separate drawers in the junk chest, where you keep hardware, user manuals for the appliances and maybe a few extension cords.
What do you call that look, anyway? You're Ugly and Your Mother Dresses You Funny Rides Again? Raggedy Ann in Plus Sizes? Frankenstein Hits Menopause?
Hahahahahahahahahaha......
BANG!
Editor's Note: Aline Dresswell left The Planet's employment rather abruptly and was unable to complete her article on the first joint meeting of all Dade's governing bodies. However, The Planet hopes to engage another journalist, Ernie H., to finish the job. Stand by for Ernie's report in the next installment of this APRIL 1 edition of The Planet!
